Thanatophobia.


There’s death….aah yes, death…death is always somewhere in the picture, an old friend who only knows how to take and take, never getting satisfied. Pretty gluttonous if you ask me. I’ve had a close contact with it and it didn’t seem to care much. Strips you to the very ground, vulnerable, void of will.


When i first logged in on Facebook, the first post i came across was of Faith’s death. You know that straight up shock that hits your system, not wanting to believe, because, this can’t be happening? That denial that engulfs you and you can feel numbness in your mouth. I recall crying once i got in the bathroom, while taking a shower. I would love to lie and say it was the bathing soap that had gotten into my eyes, or it was because of the onions i was just from cutting for supper before hopping into the shower, but it was neither. As the tears and water both found a common ground on my face, it was all crashing down on me at a rate that was horrifying. My legs started shaking and i took that as a cue to wrap up my business in the bathroom.
I went to bed early that day, with my heart sunken and heavy.


Again, i would be lying if i said i knew Faith well. My aunt is married into her family and that is how i knew her. The last time i had seen her, was during Christmas, as her, her cousins and uncles sat around a jiko in the afternoon, the smell of roasted meat covered in foils drifting all over. Everyone was busy on their phone. A typical lazy afternoon, i called it. My mum, brother and i had just been from visiting an old friend of the family and afterwards, we decided to pay my aunt a visit. A few brief conversations were exchanged and roasted meat was shared. Dogs lay stretched on the ground and we all shared a moment under the gazebo.


Death is death. Doesn’t matter how young or old one was or is. Closest people feel it hit hard the most, a scar that never really goes away.
I hate death. Truthfully speaking, i fear death. I fear dying, or the people i know dying. Personally, if i had the option of having immortality, i wouldn’t think twice about taking it up.
I’m not sure if you have sat randomly, or one of those times where your feelings get the better part of you and you imagine the death of people you know and how traumatic the whole thing might be and feel yourself shrink, goosebumps develop all over and your throat runs dry. Or what would happen if you die.

Often, for someone who fears death as much as i do, i find myself thinking too hard about my own death. Tragic thoughts! I tell myself.


Yet, just the other day, i still attended a burial. A good friend of mine lost his son and i wanted to be there and show my support.


We describe a wedding as colorful, joyful and all the pretty words that usually exist. But a funeral? It’s hard to strike it through. Sombre? That is the only word that comes to mind.
I am currently in a phase in life where i feel like being there for my friends, showing up, is the best i can do and I’m loving it. Cause roles and situations reversed, i would love for my friends to show up and be there for me.

Life is short. Be there for your loved ones when you can.