This piece is a dedication to friend I ought to have had as best, yet we now are, or have been at cross roads, never seeing eye to eye. Maybe a declaration of my jealousy, maybe a poke of the finger in her eyes, maybe a litmus paper test that will help me clear things up, maybe a partying shot that’s been long overdue, maybe a tribute to a broken promise once made. But all in all, for the pain and emptiness.
I am sorry and, this time, i feel ashamed. Okay, i know I’ve messed up and i am a sucker for ancient laws of behaving one self. So imma start by admitting i have jealousy issues, huge ones. And maybe one day, just like this terms, it will be the cause of my fall, just like now. And this time, i don’t know what to assign my blame to, or who.
This is where it gets complicated, i don’t have any good answer. But i do have a bad one. And that comes in this apology that has been in my pocket for so long, maybe i should have put it out sooner, but i didn’t have the guts to do it. I am sorry for being the worst person ever. I am sorry for having let bitterness and jealousy get the better part of me. Not to justify myself, but what happens when you finally get something or somebody that means the world to you, a thing or person that you’ve never had before, hence you cherish them selfishly and childishly, cause you know what it means to lack? For me, that is what happened. I became overprotective and overly jealous about my friend, so it’s easy to say jealousy was my downfall, my own making. That will be the blatant and mundane truth of it all.
There’s this song by Kenny Rogers and Dolly Patron that says, ” you can’t make old friends, it was me and you since way back then, but you can’t make old friends ” and that lays the whole premise of this whole piece. I have done many pieces on love, heartbreak but never on this friendship, maybe this is the time.
So as we continue talking not, taking different positions of sitting in class, unlike how we used to take the front seats together, as we continue walking in and out of class like we don’t know each other, being in the same discussion group, with only an exchange of fake niceties and verbal webs of politeness, it’s crazy to think , that was the way it all started. When I would come visit you at Summ, and we would take cocoa and hot Kdfs, lying in your bed, gossiping about everything and nothing, going to class together and talking all the damn time , that was the start of a solid friendship, one that I never had, and that meant so much to me and yet here we are today, two tangenital persons.
I can’t pretend….
I can’t pretend like I don’t miss my best friend , because I really do.
Like I don’t miss the good times we had together.
Like i can’t give anything just to have her back with me.
Like I don’t pray to God to cast his mercy on me, bring us back together and help me deal with my jealousy issues.
Like my small brother doesn’t ask about her, but I reprimand him and tell him not to bother me with his questions.
Like I don’t miss going and staying together in class just like old times.
Like I don’t blame myself for everything that happened, and now I have to bear the ramifications.
Like I don’t pass by the woman who sells leggings just like mine, a pair like she always insisted that she wanted, but I can’t buy her since we don’t talk no more.
Like I don’t miss walking all the way to Juja City mall just for window shopping and afterwards eat some cheap meal or snack cause it’s what we could afford.
Like I don’t feel awful on seeing her with other friends.
Like I didn’t feel bad when she failed to attend class for a few days only for me to see photos later that she was having a good time with her friends.
Like I don’t miss us having stupid fights, even while staying in the same room.
Like I don’t miss us making fun and gossiping about others.
Like my mum doesn’t ask about her, why I can’t take bananas to her,why she no longer comes here, but I just cut her short full of asperity and bitterness, saying she can as well contact her since she has her number.
Like I don’t miss going to buy matumbo at First Class with her.
Like I didn’t feel bad when I remembered she said she doesn’t like mutura, yet there she was, having a time of her lifetime.
Like I don’t feel like telling her to shut up during group discussions, as I make funny faces at her.
Like I don’t miss us watching movies while ensconced in my bed.
Like i don’t miss going to his house with her after classes.
Like I don’t feel awful for what my stupid ways might have made her feel.
Like i don’t check out her contact on my phone as “Sweet Bestie ” think of deleting it, but I end up refraining from it.
Like I don’t come across our photos and scroll hurriedly past them, so as not to reminisce, not that I don’t want to, but well..
Like i ain’t bearing the ramifications of all these.
Like I wouldn’t give anything to have things like they were before.
Like I don’t easily make friends, but none can possibly come bear to what level of friendship we had.
Like I haven’t been weathering my shit storms, iteratively thinking of all that happened.
Like I don’t know when the rain started beating me, cause I think I know where it all started and the culmination of it all too.
Like this wasn’t perhaps the year that our friendship would continue to blossom , like nothing happened.
Like I never looked forward to us living close to each other, with our own families, coming up with strategies to dodge our kids and husbands for a girl’s day out.
Like we haven’t had our lows and highs before.
Like I wouldn’t turn back the hands of time and change everything.
Like I don’t miss being her oestrogen pumped advisor.
Like I ain’t wussed up that I messed everything and there’s no going back.
Like i still don’t have the lengthy birthday message i sent her last year on her birthday, yet this year all I did was “happy birthday ” trying not to sound uncharacteristically needy or edgy. After all, she had “them” wishing her all the wishes she needed.
Like I once didn’t text her, to check up on her, but it turned out to be extremely short conversation.
Like adrenaline isn’t rushing through my body as I place my fingers on the keyboard, with every click emanating, resonating in the entire room. With a heart half optimistic and half sunken, with the kids playing outside, the dog barking and pigs snoting from a distance.
Been postponing this piece for the longest time ever, opening my notebook, looking at the one or two lines scribbled, then assure myself that there’s still a lot of time to get down to it, so I just end up closing it, yet today, after having three consecutive dreams with her being in them, I got emotional, cried in my sleep, and promised that when I wake up, imma finish the piece, put it out there, in order to be at peace with myself. And as it is with other several imperative pieces that I keep closely to my heart and don’t delete them from my notebook, this will be one of them, all because it’s a part of me that I don’t want to forget.
To a friendship that got ruined, I am truly sorry.